An interview with Randi Rauh Tyler

Posted on September 27, 2009 by Rose DesRochers

Today we are speaking to Randi Rauh Tyler who provides grief recovery support online.

Widowed in 1993, she began visiting and helping people in chatrooms. This eventually led to her partnership with grief recovery online, assisting others in their own renewal.

Rose: Hello Randi thank you for doing this interview with me. Could you tell us a little about yourself?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Thank you for having me. I come from a pretty diverse background and have been living in Arkansas since 96. I have been working in grief support since 1994. Of course the question is always asked, have you lost anyone? Yes, I have lost many, my mom, dad, husband and the list goes on. It is often easier for me to tell you who is living; I have two sons that were 15 & 10 when their dad died. I came to find support on the internet when it was still young, and grew with it finding a way to give back and remember all the love and keep it alive. I think each time a death occurred in my life I had to find a way to be the NEW me, the one that was left after the death. For me the renewal came when I started drawing my angels and writing the words that each one seemed to speak to me. I have probably spoken to over 5,000 people and shared with them my own grief and listened to theirs. That is a lot of love that is being kept alive in the lives of these people.

Rose: Randi you administrate several grief support groups. Could you tell us about those and what made you start them?

Randi Rauh Tyler: That is a difficult question, it seems that I fell into administration side of the groups because when they were started the person needed a graphic or help setting up the webpage and they asked me. Then somehow they were unable to continue so I adopted the ring to be sure it remained intact. From these initial rings I created a few others because I saw the need to separate, moms from dads and children. I now have In Loving Memory of…, Remembering Mom, Remembering Dad, and HARTS Angels webrings that I administer. Remembering Mom was started by Dani after the loss of her mother. She was unable to continue and I took it over in April of 2000. I created Remembering Dad webring to compliment Remembering Mom. In Loving Memory of… was adopted not long after the owner was unable to continue. I created HARTS Angels webring to support the renewal of the spirit. Grief At Home website is where all the information I have gathered and learned is shared. I have resources for books and other groups there. HARTS Angels website was to give people a way to browse at 2am and still not feel alone.

Rose: Do you think it helps most people to talk about the person who died? If so, why?

Randi RauhTyler: Sharing the love you felt is the best way I know to keep that love alive. It is also the hardest thing you can do. Listen to someone in pain. The roar can be deafening, the cries for a loss are tears in your own soul. As we share our grief, we strengthen each other and the fabric of our life becomes stronger and more vivid with each healing stitch we find. You renew that love and find the NEW you after the loss.

Rose: What advice do you have for the person who just can’t seem to get through their grief

Randi RauhTyler: You need to remember that you are cheating yourself and the memory of the person you lost by staying in grief. Dr. Phil McGraw said it wonderfully: There is power in forgiveness. Anger, hurt and resentment “are the things of which emotional prisons are made,” said Dr. Phil. “And those prisons lock from the inside, not the outside.” Forgiveness frees you. And the person you’re forgiving doesn’t have to acknowledge they’re wrong or apologize. Don’t forgive someone to make them feel better. Do it to make yourself feel better. It seems that we hold ourselves prisoners for thinking we SHOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE or WOULD HAVE. If we finally let go of this control we can see the love that is left that we can share. There are no lies in heaven, and your heart is known, you do not have to pick up grief everyday and say I shoulda, coulda, woulda, because you now have the power to do what will make your heart show that love again. The only thing you have control over is YOU during a change in your life.

Rose: Why do you think our sleep is disturbed after a major loss?

Randi Rauh Tyler: So many things that happen to us after a major loss, or even a minor one are NORMAL. We expect something to change, but we don’t really want the change. The body and the mind are not always intricately linked. The mind doesn’t always listen to the body if it is preoccupied. The mind becomes busy and we almost fear or look forward to dreams. We must first put away the fears that the dreams will bring pain or longing. Remembering the joy before we try to sleep will bring dreams of happiness and restful sleep that can help in the renewal of the body and the spirit. Myself, I do not sleep much anymore; I seem to survive on about 5 to 6 hours a night. I get caught up in trying to do one more thing before sleep. If you find yourself not sleeping as you did before, or sleeping too much, find someone to talk to first, and if you don’t seem to see a change in the pattern, you should seek professional help. You need to take care of yourself and find a rhythm for your life again after loss, if you don’t you open your body up to illness.

Rose: Do you find that most people you have talked to blame God after a loss? If so, is this common and why?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Most people will blame ANYONE, not just God and this is very normal. It is that loss of control and after we are through blaming ourselves, the doctors, or anyone that was remotely attached to the loss; we look for the one person that should have had the answers, God. If God was in control, surely he would not take our loved one from us, but I don’t think God decides that, I think the love is always with us and we learn from each birth and death in our lives how to keep love alive. What happens to someone after death is unknown, we have glimpses in NDE (near death experience) but most people have problems with understanding. Faith is a strong tool in helping people deal with death. In today’s society we are relegated to three days of mourning and often do not have the strong faith necessary to sustain the question of afterlife.

Rose: Do you have any advice to help children deal with death?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Most children are unable to understand death. They know the person is not coming back (or so they have been told) but they do not have the maturity to understand “never”. They try to cure the sadness of those around them. Rather than understand this; people will often give them more responsibility, like telling a young boy, he will now have to be the man of the house after his father dies. Or a young girl, that she should care for the house after her mother dies. This is giving children guilt rather than help in understanding. Telling children they should be “strong” for a remaining parent or they need to be “good” after the death of a sibling only lets them believe they were somehow responsible. As a child matures, they should be able to ask the questions and be given real answers to death. The questions will change as they try to grasp one more concept. Keeping memories of the person that died and retelling the child of the life that they were a part of is what helps bring about the age (maturity) level of questions they will have. Always be honest, do not make the person a “saint” or a “sinner”, but a real person that loved them. Sharing with them your beliefs in an afterlife also helps them deal with the question of what happens to the soul.

Rose: Do you feel that someone who is grieving gets enough support from their family and friends? How can joining a group such as remembering mom be beneficial after someone has experienced a loss?

Randi Rauh Tyler: People get support from family and friends to some degree, unfortunately after hearing “you have my sympathy” most people don’t hear sincere feelings, they hear “I’m glad it wasn’t me.” True empathy comes from people you don’t know on the internet. Those that have had the same type of loss provide a family relief. Two sisters that have lost a mother will have totally different views of what the mother was like, and how best to remember her. When joining a group like Remembering Mom they both can have the validation of their memory, and the love that the two shared. Families become unrealistic after a death; greed and who was loved best seem to overtake the memories. When you talk on the internet to others with the same loss as you, you begin to understand you are normal, and that the grief will not last forever, but the memories and the love can!

Rose: Are most of the people who join your group women or have men joined to?

Randi Rauh Tyler: When I was hosting a chat group for Adults that had lost Parents, I had women and men join me. When I did a group called Widowed Kids, I found that both the boys and the girls struggled with parental loss, but approached it differently. I have a few men that have joined Remembering Mom but they don’t feel the need to talk as often. Generally they will talk to me, but don’t always share with the group. Men just grieve differently than women. I have an article on my website that is about the difference of men and women grieving “He said, She said” and I found that most women have a greater need to communicate and learn from others. Women have not always had to jump back into providing for others as men have, and most men would benefit from more sharing, but they must be ready to accept answers and not have the problem fixed. I would encourage both men and women to share more, and learn that they are both so normal, and it is a good thing to share the fears and hopes with others.

Rose: Do you think children go through the stages of grieving the same way adults do?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Not at all. Having talked to many children, and then with their remaining parent, I see that the children are only taking small bites of the grief apple, only the ones that they can digest. They need a lot of encouragement to understand that as they grow, they will see the need to look again at the loss, and take a bigger bite. It may take years for a child to finally move through what are called the stages of grief because they can only handle what their maturity allows. With teenagers, parents must watch and realize that drugs, sex and alcohol are the major escapes from grief. The teenagers take these to excess quickly, but can be caught in a vicious cycle if they are not confronted and seek help. I would make an ongoing event of memory and remembrance for children as they face new changes in their lives. It can serve as a barometer to the parent to help a child share their fears and deal with loss.

Rose: I believe the process of grieving involves – denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. What are your thoughts on this?

Randi Rauh Tyler: The five steps have a certain element of danger in them; people think they must cycle through them in order and will reach recovery in the end. You can go through those 5 steps over a dead car battery and reach an end. With the loss of a loved one, depending on how close you are to them, you go through a much longer and often more complex change. People think of it as recovery, or healing, but that is not what I see. You can and often will move back and forth between the stages and not get to acceptance or recovery. I modified these steps and created HARTS:

H – 1 – HURT – The Shock, numbness, denial and intense feelings when you find life has been forever changed. You can live in a fog of confusion with moments of acute awareness.
A – 2 – AWARE – Frustration, fear, anger and loneliness seem to overwhelm your life. You become aware that life has changed and the future will not be as you had planned.
R – 3 – RESOLVE – A time when guilt, envy of others that have not experienced your change seems to be heightened. You resolve some of the loss, and try to remove the obstacles to dealing with your emotions. The guilt of not feeling the initial intense feelings can move you back and trap you.
T – 4 – TIME – Time becomes the friend and the enemy. It is a time of reliving past hurts and giving way to judgments. You perceive each moment of not living through the changes as a reprieve.
S – 5 – SHARE – Renewal of the Spirit begins at this time when you begin to share and support others. You let go of the control over the choices that are not yours. I think people find this a better explanation of the grieving process and see the renewal as a new beginning rather than an end to grief.

Rose: Is religious belief an important aspect of coping with grief?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Yes and no; I know that is not definitive, but each person would have to answer that for themselves. A strong religious background can often help, but it can also hurt. Religion and faith can secure your belief in an afterlife, and that the person will be met again in spirit. However, if you do not have that initial background, or you find reason to turn your back on it, this can cripple you by suggesting you are not normal in the way you deal with grief. Many people question God as to the reason the person was taken in death, but this is not the faith talking, it is the grief. I took a long time before I could “go back to church” because I had issues to deal with. Faith for me was not the issue, but the “church” itself.

Rose: What would you say right now to someone who might already know that their parent is dieing?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Talk with them now, and know what they want. Be ready to let go of their hand. There will never be a right time; you will always want one more day, one more hour. Don’t let the caretaking over take the caretaker. If you must be the one to make decisions, ask first if your parent has a preference. Write it down. Make a journal or special scrapbook and let your parents have input into its contents. This memory will be a legacy for them, and your children. Talk about the hard things, and LISTEN to what they say they want, don’t let your pre-grieving make the decisions.

Rose: Do you think that one can prepare themselves for death?

Randi Rauh Tyler: Death is a part of life and we sometimes want to hang onto that one more minute, even if we say we are through. People that commit suicide are not doing what they think is best for those around them; they are doing it because they do not want to face the trials yet to come in living. If you can be ready to die, first be sure you are ready to live! Death will come when it is suppose to, and living your life first is preparation for death. I would suggest a living will, and written down things that you feel best suit you. You are making memories every day for those that will remain after you are gone, so living your life with love is the best preparation for death!

Rose: Randi are you afraid of dieing?

Randi Rauh Tyler: I wouldn’t call it fear of dying, for me it’s just enough time to finish everything I wanted to do. This could be the reason I don’t sleep? I want so much to finish my drawings and make arrangements to have my website continued, I forget about what I just said about living. So I may have to take my own advice and start preparing by making the important memories live! Think I will give myself a break and visit my grandchildren this summer instead of working. Thank you for asking that question, I guess I never realized what I was trying to accomplish until now.

Rose: Aside from your support groups you are also involved in the Animal Rescue League, can you tell us more about that?

Randi Rauh Tyler: ARL is a great organization. We are a 501© 3 Non-Profit and have approximately 135 dogs that have been rescued or abandoned. Send money or food, oops…sorry we are always in need of that. My part is small in comparison to Sue Bennett. She cares for all those dogs everyday. I do memorials and tend to the paperwork website and sometimes do lectures. And oddly enough, I sometimes help people with the grief they have over losing a pet. I live directly across the highway from Sue and having 9 dogs of my own (mostly beagles) we have our nightly dog chorus. On a full moon night we have dog wars, to see who will rein over the highway I think. I believe in Spay and Neuter, so that we will not have 135 dogs that need homes. ARL is doing its part for the neglected, abused and abandoned dogs of Arkansas County.

Rose: Randi thank you so much for doing this interview with me. Where could people go to join your various groups?

Randi Rauh Tyler: May your angel hold your heart in warm and loving hands.

Grief At Home
HARTS Angels
Animal Rescue League

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